Thursday, January 8, 2009

Looking past what is...

...is very, very, very hard to do sometimes. For some it is impossible. For others it is like breathing.

I realize that I am stuck. Truthfully stuck. Like falling into waste deep mud. I am, as they say, stuck in a rut. I cannot seem to get out of my nervous, obsessive, lazy (et cetera) mind set. I have put too much credence into earthly things. I feel like I have lost my spiritual side.

I mean, I knew I lost it after all that time I spent depressed in the basement. That was worse than being stuck in the mud...that was cold as death. Not to mention our house is both haunted and infused with negative energy. I became overridden with anger, depression, thoughts of suicide...et cetera...it wasn't good. There had only been one thing during that time tying me to sanity...

I, thanks to my mom, pulled out of that...but it left me scarred.
I haven't been able to truly gain myself back...and I now am suffering the consequences of that such truth.

How does one reclaim a connection to the Divine? How does one re balance the energies of Light and Dark?

Dammit...I feel so lost...but lost in only one way. More like...stuck. Stuck in a rut.

I need to reclaim my spiritual side...I need to look past what is.

I need to see Truths. I mean...I see Truths. I have deep thoughts on spiritual ideas...and even beyond that. Yet, still not enough!

It seems that the only thing to do is gain discipline and continue to study the beauty in the world, and allow myself to only see beauty...or is that blinding?

I have been told many times I need to just stop worrying about the how...and just allow it to happen. I used to be able to do that, but I cannot find myself able to let go of my paranoia and give into the godforce of All.

Why I cannot is beyond me...and yes I have noticed how much "I" has been written in this post...I have been strangely aware of that. However, this post is about myself...and what I need to do...maybe some of you, my friends, have some spiritual advice?

Love and Blessings,
Abraxas I.:.A.:.O.:.

2 comments:

hahamommy said...

Sit, Chill and tell your mind/ego/choir to shut the F*ck up and let you be... there, in the quiet dark, you'll only then be able to see the shining of your own eternal spark...

Globetrotter said...

I just read this...

No comment from me, although I think what your mom said is wise. =P