...is very, very, very hard to do sometimes. For some it is impossible. For others it is like breathing.
I realize that I am stuck. Truthfully stuck. Like falling into waste deep mud. I am, as they say, stuck in a rut. I cannot seem to get out of my nervous, obsessive, lazy (et cetera) mind set. I have put too much credence into earthly things. I feel like I have lost my spiritual side.
I mean, I knew I lost it after all that time I spent depressed in the basement. That was worse than being stuck in the mud...that was cold as death. Not to mention our house is both haunted and infused with negative energy. I became overridden with anger, depression, thoughts of suicide...et cetera...it wasn't good. There had only been one thing during that time tying me to sanity...
I, thanks to my mom, pulled out of that...but it left me scarred.
I haven't been able to truly gain myself back...and I now am suffering the consequences of that such truth.
How does one reclaim a connection to the Divine? How does one re balance the energies of Light and Dark?
Dammit...I feel so lost...but lost in only one way. More like...stuck. Stuck in a rut.
I need to reclaim my spiritual side...I need to look past what is.
I need to see Truths. I mean...I see Truths. I have deep thoughts on spiritual ideas...and even beyond that. Yet, still not enough!
It seems that the only thing to do is gain discipline and continue to study the beauty in the world, and allow myself to only see beauty...or is that blinding?
I have been told many times I need to just stop worrying about the how...and just allow it to happen. I used to be able to do that, but I cannot find myself able to let go of my paranoia and give into the godforce of All.
Why I cannot is beyond me...and yes I have noticed how much "I" has been written in this post...I have been strangely aware of that. However, this post is about myself...and what I need to do...maybe some of you, my friends, have some spiritual advice?
Love and Blessings,
Abraxas I.:.A.:.O.:.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Where are we in the end?
Human experience seems to be one of extremes and imbalance...
One man runs wild in the realm of freedom/chaos
One man stands like stone in discipline/order
I ask you as a fellow being experiencing the human experience...When will we learn to reach a balance? When will life actually work?
I am pretty sure I am failing this Game of Life at the moment...
I have been told I need to become a man...and ascend from my childish ways of doing things. Maybe I should stop looking for a Right of Passage...and simply go out into the world and let the Initiation into Manhood come to me.
That is why I am being pushed out on my own at 18, and I truly am happy to be able to set on my own quest. But...where do I start? How do I do it? I need to find some fellow seekers to journey with and fast.
I am rather scared about what lies ahead.
But I know this:
There is Life. That is it. Life is. Life is not good, Life is not bad...Life is GOD, and GOD is perfect. That being said...one must either see the perfection, or be blinded by it and see only horror and disgust.
It is time to choose, I say unto thyn self.
Blessed Be,
Abraxas I.:.A.:.O.:.
One man runs wild in the realm of freedom/chaos
One man stands like stone in discipline/order
I ask you as a fellow being experiencing the human experience...When will we learn to reach a balance? When will life actually work?
I am pretty sure I am failing this Game of Life at the moment...
I have been told I need to become a man...and ascend from my childish ways of doing things. Maybe I should stop looking for a Right of Passage...and simply go out into the world and let the Initiation into Manhood come to me.
That is why I am being pushed out on my own at 18, and I truly am happy to be able to set on my own quest. But...where do I start? How do I do it? I need to find some fellow seekers to journey with and fast.
I am rather scared about what lies ahead.
But I know this:
There is Life. That is it. Life is. Life is not good, Life is not bad...Life is GOD, and GOD is perfect. That being said...one must either see the perfection, or be blinded by it and see only horror and disgust.
It is time to choose, I say unto thyn self.
Blessed Be,
Abraxas I.:.A.:.O.:.
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Hailing in the New Year...2009! Hailing to Change, Enlightenment, Ascention, Truth, and Death/Rebirth!
Change is coming. Change is always coming.
Because of the simple Truth that is:
Change is Death, Death is. Life is equal to Death...as they cycle.
Change thus is a true symbol, rather than a word, meaning the cycle of life and death.
This cycle is such a beautiful thing. There is so much beauty in life...so much! Living is such an amazing journey, and death is just as beautiful...if not more so!
Life and Death do not just refer to lifetimes and beings. They also refer to everything.
2007 was for me a year of great death. I severed connections with my Father. I became an unschooler. I moved out of California...and living in Oregon was the first state I have lived in outside of Southern California... It truly was a great and powerful year of death. It was a Winter Year.
This past year (feels weird to say that), 2008, was a Summer/and Partial Spring Year. It was a year of suffering, divine suffering. There was some suffering in the end of 2007..but then again fertility came after Wintery Death...and pregnancy, I have been told, is more than painful. The essence of summer is fire, and 2008 was definitely a trial by fire! And the pangs of birth are coming to an end...2009 I believe shall be a harvest year!
Now...that being said, we must make a conscious decision to enter the New Realms of Thought and Spiritual Ascention of the Mind. If we as a people do not make at least a midium-sized Leap of Enlightenment on a level that is close to our Consious Mind, I will be honest, the un-awakened/un-enlightened/sleepwalking zombie people/cancerous humans/those focused on the material 100% will for the most part be blown away with the Winds of Change. Possibly in 2012. Maybe the coming of RivFader? (probably not...but keep an eye out for the White Serpent in the Nordic Sky, heh).
The Time has come to reveal secrets, and retain some for the safety of those who need them. Time has come to see beyond Time (and space).
I beleive those who live the Alternative Lifestyles, those who do not choose to conform...but rather chose to see beyond, either spiritually, artistically, intellectually, et cetera, will lead the revolutions of Truth. It may take longer than just a huge flash...or there made be a firey burst of change. I also beleive that the spiritual alts will be the stongest and most needed people in the coming Aeon of Truth.
Blessings my Friends, Foes, and Neutral readers...as alligments will oneday die too, it matters not what side you are on...or maybe it does...we can never be 100% sure of anything...but we can beleive.
May the Waves of Change be a Blessing not a Burdon to you all (thus you may want to seek out a new way of seeing the world),
Abraxas, the Alternative Wizard.
Hail RivFader! I.:.A.:.O.:.
Post Scriptum: Forgot to mention...Happy New Year, Brothers and Sistes of the Tribe of Gaia.
Because of the simple Truth that is:
Change is Death, Death is. Life is equal to Death...as they cycle.
Change thus is a true symbol, rather than a word, meaning the cycle of life and death.
This cycle is such a beautiful thing. There is so much beauty in life...so much! Living is such an amazing journey, and death is just as beautiful...if not more so!
Life and Death do not just refer to lifetimes and beings. They also refer to everything.
2007 was for me a year of great death. I severed connections with my Father. I became an unschooler. I moved out of California...and living in Oregon was the first state I have lived in outside of Southern California... It truly was a great and powerful year of death. It was a Winter Year.
This past year (feels weird to say that), 2008, was a Summer/and Partial Spring Year. It was a year of suffering, divine suffering. There was some suffering in the end of 2007..but then again fertility came after Wintery Death...and pregnancy, I have been told, is more than painful. The essence of summer is fire, and 2008 was definitely a trial by fire! And the pangs of birth are coming to an end...2009 I believe shall be a harvest year!
Now...that being said, we must make a conscious decision to enter the New Realms of Thought and Spiritual Ascention of the Mind. If we as a people do not make at least a midium-sized Leap of Enlightenment on a level that is close to our Consious Mind, I will be honest, the un-awakened/un-enlightened/sleepwalking zombie people/cancerous humans/those focused on the material 100% will for the most part be blown away with the Winds of Change. Possibly in 2012. Maybe the coming of RivFader? (probably not...but keep an eye out for the White Serpent in the Nordic Sky, heh).
The Time has come to reveal secrets, and retain some for the safety of those who need them. Time has come to see beyond Time (and space).
I beleive those who live the Alternative Lifestyles, those who do not choose to conform...but rather chose to see beyond, either spiritually, artistically, intellectually, et cetera, will lead the revolutions of Truth. It may take longer than just a huge flash...or there made be a firey burst of change. I also beleive that the spiritual alts will be the stongest and most needed people in the coming Aeon of Truth.
Blessings my Friends, Foes, and Neutral readers...as alligments will oneday die too, it matters not what side you are on...or maybe it does...we can never be 100% sure of anything...but we can beleive.
May the Waves of Change be a Blessing not a Burdon to you all (thus you may want to seek out a new way of seeing the world),
Abraxas, the Alternative Wizard.
Hail RivFader! I.:.A.:.O.:.
Post Scriptum: Forgot to mention...Happy New Year, Brothers and Sistes of the Tribe of Gaia.
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
More thoughts...more odd occurrences...
I was listening to Rivfader last evening in mom's office. I was hungry, tired, and kinda weak...my vital energy has been low lately...and I fell into a half-trance like sleep. I saw a really weird vision of sorts:
I was being held prisoner by some person in a red neck backyard...trapped in nothing but air...in an almost crucified position. There were large snakes on either wrist...but they didn't weigh my arms down. The one on my right one was redish-pink..and the one on the left was greenish. They both bit my arms. I was watching this from the perspective of at first myself in the vision...then from the view of the one who was holding me captive..somehow...
I watches as I phased somewhat fast, and continuously through the stages of being a child wit grey hair, a young man(25?), and a tall old man. They didn't look like me..but they were me. I tried to shake the vision off but then I saw what I really looked like 3-5 years old...then I shook it all off and got up as mom came into the room.
I had been listening to the more mystical part of the song RivFader.
Any Ideas?
Then this morning apparently I was sitting in bed and I said something to mom in a foreign language then asked about where some other phone was...indicating to a wall..or something..I don't remember anything...I hope she blogs about..then I'll re post her post about it XD...she then said, at the end, you are dreaming..and I said "okay" and fell back asleep...
I awoke not long after that...I was oddly lucid after that dream-talking experience...my body was awake...which ne'er happens during the morning XD
Now for the thoughts.
Do you think...as I do...that it is impossible to do something you don't want to?
I think it is pretty strong..I am trying to figure this specific impossibility out...as with my other theories, metaphysical equations, and the such.
I find it amazing how one thing leads to another...then you can sometimes be so thankful to something conversational that sparks several other conversational topics..then you learn something about someone that makes you hurt, sick, and so angry you want to go tear someones head off with your bare hands? I was grateful to the topic of modern primitivism/tribal body modification...for revealing something else about someone I thought I liked...BLEH! BLEH BLEH BLEHHH!!!!!
BLEHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I should change topics again before I either hack something up making exclaimed noises of disgust; or I get angry, hurt, and sickened.
So...maybe I should allude to another topic?
I had an interesting experience at Best Buy the other night when I went to buy my MP3 player (<3). I learned that Best Buy recently put in a musical instrument section. I talk to this guy about what I need to do vocals in a band...he was showing me a certain mic, amp, and mic converter (that he didn't have..just told me about it)...then he said the unexpected...
"Want to come back to my place and dance naked to black metal and summon Cthulhu from the seas of darkness?"
Kidding...
What he actually said wasn't as shocking...
Something along the lines of picking your favourite chemical substance, then getting a Super Nintendo and playing the Street Fighter that is really fast graphically..or something (I am not sure...I was just saying what I remember him saying), then listen to DragonForce (an ok...just ok...metal band with amazingly fast solos..and all o'er guitar...)
Chemical substances...and drugs in general are not my thing...so we laughed and moved on.
Then he went to to help another customer (he said he wanted to keep talking..but it got late and I had to leave...thus I couldn't wait for him to finish.) but in the time I did wait..I had some fun...:
I found a keyboard that has a screen and a mouse...I scrolled with the mouse to change the instrument, and eventually had a heavy electric guitar. I ripped out this amazing solo on their for like 10 minutes strait XD! Then I went o'er to the electric drums...set it on double bass drums...and played some black metal drums...which was quite brutal...and hard to do...to keep the double bass in the constant onslaught is murder to one's legs...but worth it.
While I was playing keyboard my gum disintegrated/melted in my mouth (not sure how), and I had to swallow it...which was gross and bitter. haha...was actually quite funny afterwards ..and now even more so.
Well...with that I bow farewell...and I am hoping there will be food at the office soon XD. I am rather hungry...in both the normal human...and well...Vamp types of hunger...(energy...both kinds O.o)
Blessings,
I.:.A.:.O.:.
Abraxas
Post Scriptum:
check out this song from Korpiklaani called Karhunkaatolaulu (which translates to "Bear Hunt Song"):
It is really quite amazing ^,..,^
I was being held prisoner by some person in a red neck backyard...trapped in nothing but air...in an almost crucified position. There were large snakes on either wrist...but they didn't weigh my arms down. The one on my right one was redish-pink..and the one on the left was greenish. They both bit my arms. I was watching this from the perspective of at first myself in the vision...then from the view of the one who was holding me captive..somehow...
I watches as I phased somewhat fast, and continuously through the stages of being a child wit grey hair, a young man(25?), and a tall old man. They didn't look like me..but they were me. I tried to shake the vision off but then I saw what I really looked like 3-5 years old...then I shook it all off and got up as mom came into the room.
I had been listening to the more mystical part of the song RivFader.
Any Ideas?
Then this morning apparently I was sitting in bed and I said something to mom in a foreign language then asked about where some other phone was...indicating to a wall..or something..I don't remember anything...I hope she blogs about..then I'll re post her post about it XD...she then said, at the end, you are dreaming..and I said "okay" and fell back asleep...
I awoke not long after that...I was oddly lucid after that dream-talking experience...my body was awake...which ne'er happens during the morning XD
Now for the thoughts.
Do you think...as I do...that it is impossible to do something you don't want to?
I think it is pretty strong..I am trying to figure this specific impossibility out...as with my other theories, metaphysical equations, and the such.
I find it amazing how one thing leads to another...then you can sometimes be so thankful to something conversational that sparks several other conversational topics..then you learn something about someone that makes you hurt, sick, and so angry you want to go tear someones head off with your bare hands? I was grateful to the topic of modern primitivism/tribal body modification...for revealing something else about someone I thought I liked...BLEH! BLEH BLEH BLEHHH!!!!!
BLEHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now I should change topics again before I either hack something up making exclaimed noises of disgust; or I get angry, hurt, and sickened.
So...maybe I should allude to another topic?
I had an interesting experience at Best Buy the other night when I went to buy my MP3 player (<3). I learned that Best Buy recently put in a musical instrument section. I talk to this guy about what I need to do vocals in a band...he was showing me a certain mic, amp, and mic converter (that he didn't have..just told me about it)...then he said the unexpected...
"Want to come back to my place and dance naked to black metal and summon Cthulhu from the seas of darkness?"
Kidding...
What he actually said wasn't as shocking...
Something along the lines of picking your favourite chemical substance, then getting a Super Nintendo and playing the Street Fighter that is really fast graphically..or something (I am not sure...I was just saying what I remember him saying), then listen to DragonForce (an ok...just ok...metal band with amazingly fast solos..and all o'er guitar...)
Chemical substances...and drugs in general are not my thing...so we laughed and moved on.
Then he went to to help another customer (he said he wanted to keep talking..but it got late and I had to leave...thus I couldn't wait for him to finish.) but in the time I did wait..I had some fun...:
I found a keyboard that has a screen and a mouse...I scrolled with the mouse to change the instrument, and eventually had a heavy electric guitar. I ripped out this amazing solo on their for like 10 minutes strait XD! Then I went o'er to the electric drums...set it on double bass drums...and played some black metal drums...which was quite brutal...and hard to do...to keep the double bass in the constant onslaught is murder to one's legs...but worth it.
While I was playing keyboard my gum disintegrated/melted in my mouth (not sure how), and I had to swallow it...which was gross and bitter. haha...was actually quite funny afterwards ..and now even more so.
Well...with that I bow farewell...and I am hoping there will be food at the office soon XD. I am rather hungry...in both the normal human...and well...Vamp types of hunger...(energy...both kinds O.o)
Blessings,
I.:.A.:.O.:.
Abraxas
Post Scriptum:
check out this song from Korpiklaani called Karhunkaatolaulu (which translates to "Bear Hunt Song"):
It is really quite amazing ^,..,^
Saturday, December 27, 2008
One thing I must ask you...
...why is there such a lack of comments on my blog? If you read this, COMMENT IT! Then I know that people are reading what I write, thinking about it, and placing commentary with it!!!!!
I.:.A.:.O.:.
Abraxas
I.:.A.:.O.:.
Abraxas
Thursday, December 25, 2008
About to go to bed...
and tomorrow I will open presents, cook a turkey, and celebrate life.
That is all.
Abraxas.:..:..:.
Post Scriptum:
Watch this piece of beautiful music:
That is all.
Abraxas.:..:..:.
Post Scriptum:
Watch this piece of beautiful music:
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Why is it...?
Why is it I don't have to know how something will work out for it manifest? Is it all about letting go? I like to think I don't have a ruling ego...but I believe I must..at times at least...Mayhap thinking I don't have a ruling ego shows I have a strong ego.
Why is it I cannot know? I know why I cannot know...to be uncertain...to not know is truly divine and wise. As, if you know...you cannot learn, and truthfully not learning is impossible. If we did not learn...out lives would be pointless and dull. Not just pointless and dullness in the way human minds will view those terms...but a pointlessness and dullness that are so true to the essence of their torturous meanings that we cannot grasp the true essence of that damned pitfall of existence that is truly impossible. The pointlessness and dullness that an existence without learning or teaching would bring is beyond insanity, chaos, order, truth, lies, humanity, and the very energy of wordism that I am using to create these teachings...just the theory I am currently creating (more on this at a later time), this ponders the truly impossible wavelengths of thought...
There are certain things that we just cannot, with human brains, process. Things that cannot be expressed in words, mundane thoughts...and sometimes even art of any form...but rather only in spiritual realizations!
Thus are we cursed? Or...are we protected? Protected from the impossible that is the Truth? Maybe the mundane masses of humanity are the ones needing the protection...but there are the alternative wavelengths of energy...the currents that do not just go with the flow of the Great River of Life...but lead others through it...
Those who live on the boundaries of our world as we know it...who ponder, make others ponder...or just are (alternative).
It is late in the DarkMorning (3:55 in the A.M. at this point)(56 as soon as I finished the closer parentheses of the 55 bit) and I am hoping I am making sense.
Alas though..I must spell check this post and go to bed. Tomorrow, or rather this day I must prepare the turkey for the Feast of the Mass of Christ (XD)...or rather Christmas...the biggest Clausian Hollyday.
Well my brothers and sister, Blessings.
Abraxas, Stranger in Strange World.
Post Scriptum: Please do comment on this...I have been lacking in comments and I don't like that...allow my words to inspire thinking folks! Fall not into the mold of most sleeping human zombies!!! .:.
Why is it I cannot know? I know why I cannot know...to be uncertain...to not know is truly divine and wise. As, if you know...you cannot learn, and truthfully not learning is impossible. If we did not learn...out lives would be pointless and dull. Not just pointless and dullness in the way human minds will view those terms...but a pointlessness and dullness that are so true to the essence of their torturous meanings that we cannot grasp the true essence of that damned pitfall of existence that is truly impossible. The pointlessness and dullness that an existence without learning or teaching would bring is beyond insanity, chaos, order, truth, lies, humanity, and the very energy of wordism that I am using to create these teachings...just the theory I am currently creating (more on this at a later time), this ponders the truly impossible wavelengths of thought...
There are certain things that we just cannot, with human brains, process. Things that cannot be expressed in words, mundane thoughts...and sometimes even art of any form...but rather only in spiritual realizations!
Thus are we cursed? Or...are we protected? Protected from the impossible that is the Truth? Maybe the mundane masses of humanity are the ones needing the protection...but there are the alternative wavelengths of energy...the currents that do not just go with the flow of the Great River of Life...but lead others through it...
Those who live on the boundaries of our world as we know it...who ponder, make others ponder...or just are (alternative).
It is late in the DarkMorning (3:55 in the A.M. at this point)(56 as soon as I finished the closer parentheses of the 55 bit) and I am hoping I am making sense.
Alas though..I must spell check this post and go to bed. Tomorrow, or rather this day I must prepare the turkey for the Feast of the Mass of Christ (XD)...or rather Christmas...the biggest Clausian Hollyday.
Well my brothers and sister, Blessings.
Abraxas, Stranger in Strange World.
Post Scriptum: Please do comment on this...I have been lacking in comments and I don't like that...allow my words to inspire thinking folks! Fall not into the mold of most sleeping human zombies!!! .:.
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